In the winter of life

Actually more accurately, not winter yet, but certainly late fall. This is not meant to sound depressing and I don't mean it that way, but the end of this life can not come soon enough. I'm not suicidal, just tired. Not physically tired, but emotionally and mentally exhausted and drained.

I have good energy physically for my age; I'm in pretty good shape. That is actually working against me. I have lived a very good life. I was never rich financially but there was a time I was completely loaded with happiness, companionship, adventure and the stuff great memories are made of. But having experienced such a wonderful life can backfire and when all that goes away and your older, it feels like too much. It's not too much because billions of people keep marching for decades at the point I'm at in my life and there in lies my problem.

Having lived with my best friend and having been married to my best friend for many decades. Having pursued and completed all my hobbies and big task on my challenge bucket list and having lived through the death of all my close friends, having worked my dream job and having worked in my dream career and now having lost all of it. It feels very, very daunting to have to start all over again at less than zero.

Life is not that hard for me. I'm a very lucky person and some how, no matter how stupid I act and how stupid my decisions are, I somehow come out on the other side relatively unscathed. A big part of me regrets that outcome. Humans are very social creatures and though I try my best to not be. I'm pain adverse and socializing and friendship only lead to pain. Especially when everything and one I love just dies and goes away anyway.

My biggest fear is that I will survive for many more years. What I really want and hope happens soon is that my life comes to an end. It would have been better to go out on top, but at this point I will accept going out on the bottom sitting in the trough of my life.

I don't really believe in a higher power, but just in case, I do pray each night that I do not wake in the morning and honestly I'm quite sad and upset every morning when I wake and realize I'm still conscience and have to experience this life alone for another day. I guess I could wish and pray for companionship instead of death, but even through I'm pretty good health for my age, death seems more probable to me than companionship, love or happiness. I guess I treat life like voters treat voting in my country. Not voting for what one truly wants, but for what is more likely or less vile instead. Besides death is permanent and last forever, where companionship and love and happiness only fade or die with time.

So tonight, once again, I will retire and wish for the termination of this mess I have created over the years, so the world can move on without me and I can fade out and stop feeling the way I do; so I can fade away and finally be done with it all. I don't believe in an after life and would not wish for the end if I did, because that would just mean more of the same. No! not for me, I dream of it all just fading to black and me being nothing once again. Then I will finally be at peace.